That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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