You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
This house was built for laser tag.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
