Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Randomize
