I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You can't just leave with hair like that
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
