I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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