Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
