Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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