the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
5 hours of volunteer work playing with puppies and banned from the frat I hate most as 'punishment'... Besides the ER trip, I'm not seeing the bad in this situation
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
