she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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