I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
