That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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