he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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