My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
