Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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