It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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