I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
