my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
