it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
