I think I won the penis lottery.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
