New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
