**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
