if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
