What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
