Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
