Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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