I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
