First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
