Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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