i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
