Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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