I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
