So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
