moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize