I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
