it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
