your parents love me but you hate me
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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