1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I enjoy the company of your penis
Is that strawberry winking at me??
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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