I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
