Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
