I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
