Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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