Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
