Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
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