I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
