dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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