i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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