I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize
