Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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