never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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