I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
