Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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