my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
