i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize