I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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