She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
