Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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