I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
