he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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