I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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