everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
