I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
