Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
