New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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